I use my body as a field diary.

Am I your Friend or just Your Whore?

Am I dirty?
Am I dirty because I Fuck?
Or
Do I fuck because I am dirty?

Am I a whore?
What is a whore?
I didnt know
but that´s what
evidently
I became
inevitably
loose

I was a whore when I was born
Before I was born
so I had to be
A slut
you see
They saw
My cunt
so
I was a whore
dirty virgin slut
obscene
dirty lonely
slut

Friend?
Please?!

Afraid not.
Just a whore.
Just a fuck.

No body loves me....................

AAAAAh here come the negative self-destructive thoughts......I knew they were lurking near even when yesterday I was full of love and optimism.......this is like climate change in my head.

Lets face it. Men will fuck anything......the evidence that I have sent him some photos and no reply kind of hits home how ugly and undesirable I am .........

What am I doing with these men ? why am I doing this......this I guess is my retro-slut phase I guess or shall I say desperate-slut phase....

It is Sunday and I feel extremely lonely............ugly and old.......I feel like I am 50 years old even though that is not very old and I am 32.

This constant search for that person.......Am I the only one who searches this way for that other half?.......Is there such a thing?Do other people search? Or do they fool themselves......I feel that .....there is no one for me.................

No one comes close............I become dissappointed with every man..........The Portuguese especially.........they dont know how to fuck....most of them...............

There is no one for me and no one wants me.....................................

The Sex was Crap but the Day is Beautifull

Its never a sign that you are gonna meet "the one" when your date turns up in a new two seater black convertible and parks it next to your dirty white Citroen AX which you are surprised and gratefull is still running . Bless him though and his three black rucksacks perfectly packed, so much so, that a search for condoms took up to 15 minutes............

I am glad I didnt tell him that the reason I had started laughing out loud was because he reminded me of the squirrel from "Over the hedge" when he drinks a can of Coca Cola. I think I did during the evening turn into a vitually motionless character just watching this man and thinking to myself "You need to cut down on the coffee".

So I wouldnt call it a disasterous date at all......he was nice......polite.....and I thought that his quirkyness was cute. I was a bit worried during the night that the sex might be constituted by the same kind of rhythmn and attention span.

It wasnt that bad though and at times it could have even been considered pleasureable. Arent condoms horrible though!? I mean the rubber they used is it designed to have astringent properties? Hello?!! Come on science!
On the whole it was fun and I didnt wake up with abandonment issues or the feeling that I am hopelessly in love or anything overly dramatic like that. Just the feeling that I met another quirky person as all people are probably and in his idiosicracy I found humanity that there is tenderness for him like I am feeling for the human race today.....

Men as Masked Marvels

Men must carry out this persona that I have talked about before; as a detailed mating ritual. Maybe this is the human mating ritual. Instead of preening and flaunting coulorfull feathers or fisically fighting other males in front of us, men pretend to be a caring, interesting and interested person to females.
Once the female is seduced then they put away the costume, the mask.

Am I chasing ghosts or are they chasing me?

I am sick of this, sick of myself. I am lonely. I want a freind, thats what I need.

I am sick of men....because although I always look for freindship in a relationship with a male....they want nothing of the sort. They might pretend that they do at first......but like a friend of mine once said "once their foot is in the door, they change completely".

At first they seem interesting and genuinly interested in your thoughts and ideas, your outlook on life. At first it always seems that the relationship promises some true interface.

After a while, once they feel comfortable, then its shoes up on the sofa and turn on the tv. Or "oh if your watching that then I am going out with my mates."

What are we to men? What am I?

They dont look for friendship.....or interface, They look for a hole, free meals, a clean house, a safe port. They couldnt give a toss about what we think, are interested in.....

I am bored of this.....

I need sex too. Now I am like "if you want to fuck just say that" Dont give me your fucking speil. They seem to want us to fall in love with them. I am so bored.

Or they actually dont want to believe that sex is all that they are about. Or a cooked meal, or a safe haven to come back too from the adventure of the outside world. They want to believe that they are so much more......when they are not. They dont want to believe that they are actually superficial and futile.

I am bored of this....why do I search for this fantasy? It is exactly this, a fantasy. Men dont know how to be friends it seems.

has anybody noticed that there are political lesbians but never have I heard of political gays?

I am so much more than just sex.......